Rambling Ponderings...

How do you honor the anniversary of a loss?  At what point do you say "that was then, this is now. Life must continue, even if it no longer continues for some people?"

Typing those questions, it occurred to me that they could refer to 9/11/01.  But I was writing them about 12/12/03.

Dec 12, 2003, the day before my 43d birthday, my mother passed away.  She died peacefully, in her sleep, which is the way she always wanted to go.  (and everytime I say those words "peacefully, in her sleep," I'm reminded of the old joke --  when I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did.   Not screaming in fear like his passengers were.   Mom would have loved that joke,  as she loved all jokes.  :-)

*sigh*

Last weekend was rough, and Monday was rougher, and then I realized that there were less than 5 weeks left until this dark anniversary.... but *is* it a "dark" anniversary?  According to my belief system, Mom went home to be with her Lord and Savior. Should it not then be a good day, not a dark day?  And yet, sometimes I think I've needed her more in these 11 months  since she's left than I did in the entire five years preceding them.

Anyway, I started pondering that particular anniversary, and wondering what I would do, what I would be feeling like, what emotions I'd be dealing with, etc.  Then I realized that my semester would be over, so I would most likely be able to just crawl under a blanket and hide for the entire day if I so chose. And I promised myself that I would make that an option, just in case it's what I felt like doing.

I promised myself that I would give myself a 3-day window...  Dec 11-13, to feel whatever I felt like feeling, and think whatever thoughts wanted to wander through my brain,  whether they were about Mom or something else. I would honor the grief  process, and not try to short-change it.  Then I would celebrate my birthday and move on. 

I've dealt with "death anniversaries" before, of course.  Most people don't reach the age of almost-44 without burying some friends and/or family members along the way.  But it's always been someone who was somewhat removed from me, before. A grandparent. An uncle. A cousin.  Mom is the first person I've lost in my immediate family.  And this grief journey is thus an unfamiliar one, even though I've known grief before. 

I called a friend, Monday.  B has already dealt with the loss of several immediate family members, and I wanted to know what was "normal" at this stage of the process.  She agreed that there would probably be some emotions involved, and liked my plan for allowing them space to happen, if that's where my brain and heart wanted to go.

And so I confirmed my plan in my heart. I would set aside the time, and be prepared for whatever came my way during those days.  Not to wallow, but to honor the process, and experience the emotions, if they were present, thus continuing the healing.  Everytime I think about it, I reaffirm my choice.

Until about 15 minutes ago, when I got an email from my boss.  They need people to demonstrate a new camera in various stores.  It's 5 hours of work, at a time when my finances are projected to be at their lowest point, and I'll be wondering how I'll pay my January rent.

The date they need people? 

Dec 12.

Hence the pondering. Do I spend that day honoring the process, making time for me, making space for grief and/or celebration of my mom, or do I spend it trying to make money?

I'm thinking there are some things money can't buy.  And I'm thinking I'm most likely not going to sign up to do any in-store demos. At least not on  12/12/2004.  Maybe by 2005 I'll feel better about it, but this year, I want to focus on Mom, even though I'm sure she'd be telling me "take the job, Mary. You need the money."  There have been too many times when I made that choice. It may be too late now to make a difference to her, but it can still make one to me, and I'm going to choose her this time. 

(unless my finances really *are* in a jam and I'm not sure I'll be able to make my rent)

Update (11/13):  before I knew that my finances really *are* in a jam, I emailed my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to do any of the demos this time around.  It was the right decision, according to my heart.

Comments

[Janice (Jan @ GT)]

Dear Mary, I know this reply comes a little late, but none the less, I need to share it with you.

Reading about the anniversary of your mom's death and how to deal with it reminded me of a "death anniversary" in my own family.

First let me say, John 3:16 has a huge and significant meaning in my life. Read on.

My baby son Trevor, died peacefully in his sleep (SIDS) 22 years ago. For years, the days leading up to his anniversary found me crying, sick to my stomach and anxiety ridden. Trevor was our third child and was to be our last. Our little family was complete. Or so I thought.

There's a line in a song I love by Stephen Curtis Chapman which says, "God never wastes a singe hurt that you've endured." And he sured didn't in the case of Trevor. A little more than a year after Trevor was called home, our daughter Ashley was born. She was a ray of sunshine not only because of the sadness of those days but because she just radiated with happiness. She was comical and silly and a bit eccentric. Someone, not too long ago told me, "There's something different about her. There's a light shining all around her." Ashley accepted Jesus as her Savior when she was in high school. Two years later, she begged her mom and dad to come to the church she'd been attending because it was "just so awesome". I can't say exactly when Mark and I committed ourselves to Jesus but we did...because of Ashley's persistence.

It took me 19 years to realize why God took Trevor from us. I never would have had Ashley if I hadn't lost Trevor and what was to happen years later may not have happened.

This year, on March 16th.(3:16), the anniversary of Trevor's death, I celebrated and rejoiced in the fact that God took one of my children and gave me another. From now on, his anniversary will have new meaning for me. I'll praise and thank God for His great and awesome plan which leads me to everlasting life.

"God never wastes a single hurt that you've endured"

Mary, I pray that one day, you will look forward to your mom's anniversary date because it's a celebration of your birth and her joining in fellowship with God.

God Bless,
Janice