Grieving

When is it legitimate grief, and when is it wallowing? It seems like it’s probably a very fine line between those 2 points.

Tonight, it would be easy to dismiss this as wallowing. In reality, I think I’m finally feeling the pain of her loss. So I’ve set the CD-player to repeat the Diamond Rio song (see previous post) over and over, while I sit here and remember my Mom.

I’ve been thinking of her all day, off and on. Remembering things we shared in my childhood, conversations we had in my adulthood, her unwavering belief in me. I draw strength from the memory of her confidence in me, and it helps me face another day of under-employment. That’s what we do in our family – we grit our teeth and just keep going, no matter how much you want to quit. And eventually it all works out. My employment situation will work out too, someday.

I’m avoiding the telephone, because my normal behavior when I’m feeling like this is to call a friend and visit until the feeling goes away. I’m thinking that’s probably just another way of burying it, and I don’t want to do that tonight.

So I’ll sit here, listening to Diamond Rio, typing my thoughts, and pondering whether to grab a tissue or a glass of wine, or both.

The dogs are at the dog-sitters because I’m heading out of town, so there’s nothing here to distract me, unless I distract myself.

It occurred to me that it’s been almost 10 months since her death, so I might have finally gotten past the numbness that is normally my shield for painful emotions. I don’t think that last night’s dream was isolated… I think there have been more dreams of her, that I’m just not remembering. And I’m trying to remember how long it was after my grandpa died before I started dreaming about him. I had numerous recurring dreams of him, until I figured out what the dreams meant, and then they stopped. That almost makes me want to not figure out why I’m dreaming about Mom…. If they stopped, then she’d stop visiting me in my dreams, and I’d lose her all over again.

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this hallowe’en. I’m wondering if maybe that’s why I’m suddenly missing her again, because I’m so aware of that date, and the significance of it. I think their anniversary is the last big date I need to get through, besides the anniversary of her death. I had wanted to give them a very special anniversary gift, this year. My original plans were scaled way–back, because of losing my job, but I still had some ideas. Now she’s gone, and I’ve no idea what to do for my Dad on that day. Don’t even know if I should acknowledge the date with him, or if he’ll even remember it (he’s not real big on remembering dates and things). I know he misses her, but somehow I’m always surprised when I realize that I miss her, too.

She’s so much a part of who I am, of how I think and behave.

I miss her.

Comments

[Shannon]

I stumbled on your blog from a comment you made at another one (e-Claire), and I must confess that you had me in tears while reading this post. You honor your mother by your grief and sharing it with others, who may be facing the same feelings. I hope that you continue to write your thoughts down as you work through your grief, and I hope that you never stop dreaming about her. My dreams of my loved ones who have passed (inluding my pets!) have comforted me to no end.

[fiwit]

Thanks. The beauty of a personal blog is that I can be... ummm..... personal! ... in it. LOL