Blogging New Year's Eve

Written 12/31/04, before midnight. Posted 345am New Year’s Day

New Year’s at the family, subtitled: why I rarely go home for holidays.

…. I flew to Dayton on 12/30, in order to spend New Year’s with Dad. I was originally coming home for Christmas, but the weather kept me out of the state. I could have flown in, but I’d not have been able to get a rental car, and even if I could, the freeways were closed.  So I rebooked for New Year’s weekend, and here I am, sleeping on Dad’s couch.

Stopped to visit my high school friend, and spent a wonderful 3+ hours visiting with her and her family. It’s hard to realize we’ve known each other almost 30 years. I don’t think either of us look like we’re in our mid-40s, and she *certainly* doesn’t look like the mother of 2 teens, one of whom is a college freshman. Got home, and my sister and 2 of her sons were here, visiting with Dad and waiting on me to show up.  I’d forgotten to tell them I was gonna visit with Penny.  Oops.

Finally, by 11pm, everyone had left, and it was just me and Dad. I ran out to Kroger’s and bought a six-pack of Killian’s, so Dad & I could drink some beer together.  He’s stopped buying beer for home, cause my nephew who’s living with him is trying to stop drinking.  So I left the beer in my car, and brought in 2 bottles, so he & I could have a drink together.  It went down so well and we were enjoying it so much that I brought in another 2 bottles, and we drank those before we finally called it a night around 1am.

This morning, I met my Aunt Ruth and we had breakfast together, then we went shopping for work clothes – it’s so wonderful to say that. J  “Shopping for work clothes.”  It’s been over 2 years since I’ve done that.  Then I came back down to Dad’s, and met him at one of the bars where he hangs out, and we spent the rest of the day together.

I bought him dinner at Bob Evans,  and then we went to the AmVets, waiting for them to draw names for the weekly winner (Dad didn’t win, darn it).    After they didn’t draw his name, we went back to the first bar, and then I headed home. And there you have a typical day in my dad’s life.

He wakes up in the morning, lies in bed for awhile, then gets up and heads out on his rounds, visiting his friends at these 2 bars. Eventually, he comes home again, and watches TV until he goes to bed. Sometimes, like tonight, tv-watching can take second place to listening to the soap opera.

No, it’s not a radio show – it’s the nephew and his wife living in the basement.  Tonight, they’re arguing about whether they’re going out together or staying home, and she’s telling him that whether they go out or stay home, she’s gonna get drunk. 

Hmmm……  sounds like fun times in the old house tonight. So much for his trying to quit drinking.   

Now they’re arguing about who was unfaithful to whom, and when. Whoo hoo.    When does my flight leave again?  Oh yeah… not until Sunday.  I think I’ll wait for my next trip home until the nephew’s family has moved out of the house. Happy New Year.

Hmmm…. I originally started writing this to talk about missing Mom today.  We ran into one of her exercise ladies at dinner, who made sure to tell me how wonderful Mom was, and how much I resemble her.  Then at the AmVets, someone told me how disappointed Dad was when I couldn’t come home for Christmas, and how much he was missing me then. Dad doesn’t share things like that – he’s the strong, silent type usually. Used to be the standard deal when I was home was that I would go with Mom & Dad to the VFW, and Mom talked enough to keep all of us entertained. 

Dad & I don’t talk as much, because he’s not a talker, and I’m not real keen on repeating myself 50 times. Mom pretty much talked non-stop, and never had a problem finding a topic to talk about, I really felt her lack tonight. I’m not comfortable in bars, and I don’t know the people here, and I’m not a big drinker. 

I had one beer with Dad, and then switched to Ginger Ale.  Dad doesn’t need people to drink with him, he just wants the companionship.  Mom usually drank diet sprite, and never met a stranger, no matter where she was.  I don’t think I made as good a drinking companion for him as Mom did. I’m just not as companionable in those situations.   

I don’t like this soap opera I’m listening to.  Hopefully, it will be over soon.  If it’s not, I might have to head out, because this isn’t fun to listen to.  It brings back bad memories from 40+ years ago. So much for thinking that my being here would keep things from getting out of hand.  That’ll learn me.  *wry grin*

Here’s an interesting thing… Dad just said that he never beat his wife, although he slapped her one time.  That doesn’t jive with my earliest childhood memories.

Happy New Year…. Somewhere the ball just dropped, but we’re watching A&E on satellite tv instead.

Ya know, tonight is the first time in my life I’ve found myself wishing I knew where an Al-Anon meeting was. All my fight or flight instincts are in full force, and I find myself racking my brain to manufacture an excuse to leave here tomorrow instead of Sunday.  Not an option, unfortunately.  And it’s too late to call any of my friends that I normally use as release valves, and so tonight becomes my chance to prove to myself that I’ve come a long way on my healing journey, and that I can handle the triggers without reverting back to being a scared 4-year old.
I’ll tell you one thing – it’s a heck of a graduation exercise.  *sigh*

I’m starting to think that New Year’s weekend is going to be renamed to “the weekend I survived my dysfunctional family” And I’m thinking it will be quite awhile before I come home again.

Lessons learned – spend MUCH more time in prayer before trips home.  And during trips home, as well.  And I’m really angry at my dad, because he sparked tonight’s conflagration by telling my nephew something that he should  have known would cause conflict between them. There was no real reason for telling him, except that it was driving my dad crazy. But it had already happened, and nothing today will change that.  But the nephew got angry, and confronted the wife when she got home, and then she got angry, and then it escalated from there. I asked Dad why he said anything, and he didn’t have an answer.

Update 345am:
I finished writing that around 1230am, and by 1am I was in bed on the sofa, praying the only coherent prayer I could muster, which was: "God, fix them, and fix me."  Fell asleep repeating that in my brain. Woke up to the sound of continued arguing, an hour or so later, with the same mantra repeating in my brain. Lay there listening to them fight for awhile, finally asked them to close their door so I wouldn't have to listen to them.  At which point nephew's wife said I was kicking her out of the house. *shrug*

She left, he went after her, I went back to sleep. Woke up about an hour later to a deja vu of the same argument, only this time the nephew is saying "be quiet! remember aunt mary's sleeping up there."  I have to wonder, do they think Dad can't hear them in his room?  There have been some nights he's lain awake all night while they fight.

I eventually realized that if I wanted to get any uninterrupted sleep tonight at all, I needed to be somewhere other than the house. So I got up and left, and am now comfortably ensconced in a Holiday Inn with a slow as molasses dialup connection.

Bad thing is, I forgot to leave a note, so no one knows where I am. And I'm sure the nephew and his wife will use this for more fuel for their fire, and and it's all gonna skyrocket out of control.

Dammit. I just wanted to be home with my daddy for the holidays, cause I knew he'd be missing mom even more than I am.  Why's it have to be so freakin' complicated?

 

Comments

[shannonblogs]

Oh Mary! I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you! What a glaring contrast to the night before when I WAS there for my daughter and her charge. It felt so good to be there for someone, and in contrast it feels awful NOT to be there when someone needs you. Greg and I didn't even make it until midnight. We turned off the TV at 11:15 and were both asleep by 11:30. In defense, I DID have one last thought to get online, just in case, before I drifted off.

One thought dominated my mind as I read your entry and that was that your nephew and his wife sure do need prayer! I am asking God to use you in their life and then be open to whatever He leads you to do or say... which might be nothing but prayer. I'm also asking Him for strength and insight for you to get through this with JOY and not with dread.

[fiwit]

Don't feel bad- I had very low expectations of anyone being awake at that time, honestly. You wouldn't have seen my email if you'd gotten online before falling asleep - It was another hour before I sent it to you, or posted this blog entry.

Saturday was better than I expected it would be, and today I fly back to Georgia. I'll post an update once I'm back in the land of high-speed internet and away from 24K dialup.