In my own little corner...

afterthought

Just occurred to me.... y'all can probably expect to see more "maternal musings" in the next 4-5 weeks, as I journey through this last month in my year of firsts.  There are lots of things I find myself wanting to say, but I've not yet found all the words that I need, or figured out the order in which I want to say them.

Rambling Ponderings...

How do you honor the anniversary of a loss?  At what point do you say "that was then, this is now. Life must continue, even if it no longer continues for some people?"

Typing those questions, it occurred to me that they could refer to 9/11/01.  But I was writing them about 12/12/03.

Dec 12, 2003, the day before my 43d birthday, my mother passed away.  She died peacefully, in her sleep, which is the way she always wanted to go.  (and everytime I say those words "peacefully, in her sleep," I'm reminded of the old joke --  when I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did.   Not screaming in fear like his passengers were.   Mom would have loved that joke,  as she loved all jokes.  :-)

*sigh*

Last weekend was rough, and Monday was rougher, and then I realized that there were less than 5 weeks left until this dark anniversary.... but *is* it a "dark" anniversary?  According to my belief system, Mom went home to be with her Lord and Savior. Should it not then be a good day, not a dark day?  And yet, sometimes I think I've needed her more in these 11 months  since she's left than I did in the entire five years preceding them.

Anyway, I started pondering that particular anniversary, and wondering what I would do, what I would be feeling like, what emotions I'd be dealing with, etc.  Then I realized that my semester would be over, so I would most likely be able to just crawl under a blanket and hide for the entire day if I so chose. And I promised myself that I would make that an option, just in case it's what I felt like doing.

I promised myself that I would give myself a 3-day window...  Dec 11-13, to feel whatever I felt like feeling, and think whatever thoughts wanted to wander through my brain,  whether they were about Mom or something else. I would honor the grief  process, and not try to short-change it.  Then I would celebrate my birthday and move on. 

I've dealt with "death anniversaries" before, of course.  Most people don't reach the age of almost-44 without burying some friends and/or family members along the way.  But it's always been someone who was somewhat removed from me, before. A grandparent. An uncle. A cousin.  Mom is the first person I've lost in my immediate family.  And this grief journey is thus an unfamiliar one, even though I've known grief before. 

I called a friend, Monday.  B has already dealt with the loss of several immediate family members, and I wanted to know what was "normal" at this stage of the process.  She agreed that there would probably be some emotions involved, and liked my plan for allowing them space to happen, if that's where my brain and heart wanted to go.

And so I confirmed my plan in my heart. I would set aside the time, and be prepared for whatever came my way during those days.  Not to wallow, but to honor the process, and experience the emotions, if they were present, thus continuing the healing.  Everytime I think about it, I reaffirm my choice.

Until about 15 minutes ago, when I got an email from my boss.  They need people to demonstrate a new camera in various stores.  It's 5 hours of work, at a time when my finances are projected to be at their lowest point, and I'll be wondering how I'll pay my January rent.

The date they need people? 

Dec 12.

Hence the pondering. Do I spend that day honoring the process, making time for me, making space for grief and/or celebration of my mom, or do I spend it trying to make money?

I'm thinking there are some things money can't buy.  And I'm thinking I'm most likely not going to sign up to do any in-store demos. At least not on  12/12/2004.  Maybe by 2005 I'll feel better about it, but this year, I want to focus on Mom, even though I'm sure she'd be telling me "take the job, Mary. You need the money."  There have been too many times when I made that choice. It may be too late now to make a difference to her, but it can still make one to me, and I'm going to choose her this time. 

(unless my finances really *are* in a jam and I'm not sure I'll be able to make my rent)

Update (11/13):  before I knew that my finances really *are* in a jam, I emailed my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to do any of the demos this time around.  It was the right decision, according to my heart.

More Mom Thoughts...

Might as well keep going with this, since the brain seems to be freed up and able to think about it.....

If we had a grave-site, I would get an anniversary card, and sign it, and leave it by her headstone. Because I firmly believe that regardless of her physical presence or absence, she & dad have been married 50 years on Hallowe'en. Just because we can no longer see someone doesn't mean they no longer exist.

I believe in an after-life, and I believe that my mother is risen with Jesus Christ, and is even now enjoying the company of her family who preceded her, including the 2 siblings who died before I was born. That doesn't stop me from missing her, of course, but it comforts me, and gives me the hope of seeing her again, someday.

We don't have a grave-site. I never used to think that a physical location really mattered - I've never been one to visit cemeteries and talk to the dearly departed. But I bookmarked the obit page from the funeral home, and I visit that sometimes, in lieu of a cemetery, I guess. I intend to someday create a memorial webpage for her, but I've just not been ready yet. I think I want to get through this year, first. This year of firsts.

Dear Mom...

I know I'm usually late with the anniversary cards, if they even get mailed at all, but this year I wanted to be a little early. I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and I love you. I'm going home to spend the weekend with Dad - I'm thinking he probably doesn't really want to be alone this weekend. Or maybe he does, but at least he'll have the option, and he'll know that I was thinking of him, and cared enough to do a little more than just think. Aunt Ruth & I will take him out to dinner this weekend, not as an anniversary thing, but just as a "Hey, Dad - we love you and thought you'd enjoy a nice steak dinner" kind of thing.

He misses you, Mom. And so do I.

Gawd, I hate admitting that. I can picture you sitting there smiling, enjoying the fact that I'm having to admit how much I loved you, how important you were to me. You know that I don't like admitting the deep emotions, that I like to pretend I'm hard-boiled, even though I'm not.

I wonder... I say I'm going home for Dad. Am I really? Or am I running home hoping that he'll comfort me, while I'm missing my mommy?

Then again, does it really matter why, as long as we're together?

And More Anniversaries

There's a country-western music group out of west Texas called "Sons of the Desert." They have a song titled "Leaving October Behind."

I really enjoy the thought of that. October is almost over, November almost here.

November means there's only 6 weeks left in this year of firsts. But to turn that corner into the new month means facing yet another landmark date.

One more significant calendar page to be gotten through.

One more "first _______ since Mom passed away" date.

And this one's gonna be a killer, I think.

I remember last winter, thinking how it sucked that she died in mid-December. The day before my birthday, 2 weeks before Christmas, 3 weeks before her birthday. My good friend V, who was a rock for me to lean on, even while dealing with grief in her own life, reflected that I was getting slammed with "firsts," but that maybe it was good to get them out of the way all at once. And I think it was, in a way. I was still numb for a lot of that time-frame, as well.

There have been other firsts, this year, but I was too self-absorbed to consider them. My siblings have all passed their "First birthday without Mom." I was about to say that I've yet to experience that, but I was the first of us to experience it. I was just too numb to feel it.

I spent my 43rd birthday in my truck, driving from Georgia to Ohio in order to be home for the funeral.

This weekend, though, is the killer date. It's probably the worst date since Dec 12, when she died.

If she were still with us, this weekend is when she and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

It's so amazing, in today's society for a marriage to last 50 years. It's even more amazing, to me, when you consider that it almost ended 28 years ago, when my dad had a stroke. It's truly only by the grace of God that he is still with us, but that deserves a post of its own.

I've been pondering since late September what to do for my dad this year, as their anniversary approached. Before I was laid off, I had big plans for how I would help them celebrate their jubilee. Now, however, I didn't even consider going home, because I had no money to spare for the trip. So I was planning to send my dad a "thinking of you" card. Until today.

I was driving to campus today for my evening class, and heard a song on the radio that made me think of my folks and their anniversary. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with missing her, and almost in tears at the thought of their not-anniversary. It just keeps feeling like they were cheated, somehow. They stayed together, through trials that would have destroyed other marriages, and just before they could grab the golden ring, it was ripped from their outstretched fingers. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that they really had more than 50 years together, the fact remains that they were only married for 49.

So I was listening to the song, and thinking about Mom, and then about Dad, and realized that it's time for me to go home again, even if it's only for a very short visit. It just happens that my school has a 4-day weekend this week, so my Thursday night class is cancelled. And it just happens that I've been getting in some extra hours at work, so my paycheck will be larger than normal, so I'll still be able to pay my rent, even if I do drive up to see my dad. So I'm going. The decision was almost that simple.

I called my aunt, and she'll be home this weekend and her guest room is open for me, and so I'm heading north on Wed., to surprise my dad.

I think he'll like that. I know I will.